I love you, Abba

God,

Thanks for another year, another birthday. Thank you for filling me with good things! It’s barely 3 weeks into the new year but I’ve already been blessed so much by you. Thank you also for family and friends who have been so generous to me. Bless them a hundredfold. You’ve given me everything I need, things I didn’t expect, and things that I’m sure would be of great use to me in the future. But the one thing that I am most grateful for right now is you showing me my purpose and my calling, and creating the means for me to fulfill them. I am hanging on to your Word — everything you promised to me this year — and I have high hopes that you will make each one happen. There’s really no other option but to BELIEVE! I believe in you, my great dream-giver! Nothing is impossible with you. Thank you for showing me last Sunday what it means to rely on you, and for letting me enjoy the benefits of doing so! I’m in awe of how you took care of me! I really felt like a princess, a daughter, a co-heir with my Lord Jesus Christ –which you say I am! And that is just a foretaste of what is to come!!! Thank you, Lord! You knew exactly what I would need from morning till evening and you provided everything in abundance. Thank you, Father. God, I believe that you have a great plan for my future. I believe that you will prosper me. I believe that you will make me strong for each task that’s up ahead. It is my utmost pleasure to serve you and be used by you. There is no greater joy for me than to serve my Dad and King in his kingdom. *curtsy*

2009 had its share of troubles and sad times, as well as times of pruning and discipline… OUCH! But you were there with me through it all (even during the times when I shut the door in your face. I’m sorry). Now I can truly say, from my heart, that I’m THANKFUL for every single moment that I was put under the fire, so that my impurities could be burned away — leaving behind what’s pure, valuable, and useful to you. Now I can say that I’m a much stronger person and I understand your ways a little better. Help me understand you more fully! Help me to love your teachings more and more every day. I will continue to wait on you, seek your face, and open my heart to your next leading. You know my needs as a human being, and I will trust in you to provide everything at just the right time. Thank you for the opportunities you gave for my faith to be strengthened, for my hopes to be renewed, for my dreams to be rekindled, and for my heart to bow down to you in desperation. Because through each of those seasons you showed me your faithfulness, and today I am more amazed by you than ever. I am truly amazed! And there is still more to come!

I am filled with your joy and nobody can rob me of that joy! Thank you for loving me. That sums up everything.

Love you so much, peewee

Waiting

Hi Peewee,

Here’s something I found stuck in my old bible- Psalm 27:4 God grants all our requests if they are in keeping with His will, but He doesn’t always fulfill them as quickly as we might wish. The Lord is never in a hurry. We must learn to wait on Him, realizing that either the time may not yet be ripe for the answer we seek or our will is not fully surrendered. Therefore, the immediate answer is “wait awhile.” If we insist on running ahead, we get into trouble. Trust Him and believe His timing is best. The kind of waiting God requires is not glum resignation or anxious fretting. It’s a cheerful endurance that moves forward in the confidence that God will answer in His own good time.

–the above message was from my Uncle Nelson, he sent me an e-mail just a few minutes earlier.

Thank you, God, for speaking through him and knowing me inside out. Thank you for finding ways to reach out to me and comfort me. I don’t know where I’d be without you.

Lord, please.

Lord,

You know just how hurt I am right now. I can’t even quite figure out what it is specifically that’s hurting me. All I know is that I’m so broken right now.

Lord, you would never deceive me, but why do I feel deceived? Please forgive me for making this about me. You are God, and you are in charge. You win, Lord. But please, teach my heart to be humble before you right now. I don’t want to be angry with you, Lord. I just have no right to be.

Lord, I don’t know where any of this is going, but I’m just asking that you please heal my broken heart. I’m just so broken, Lord. I thought I had faith. I thought, but apparently I really don’t. I’m just shattered right now. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Sometimes I just want to lie down and sleep and just let each day pass me by. But obviously that’s not a very good idea. I have to get on my feet. Face each day. Be strong. Believe. Keep believing. It’s not easy. This is not a very easy position to be in. Nevertheless I ask that you help me to surrender all to you. Forgive my heart for being proud.

Lord, please hold me. It just hurts so much to be right where I am. You feel my pain, you know my pain. Please help me through this, my Lord. I need you to help me see your hand in all of this. I know you have a plan and purpose for my life. Please fulfill it, Lord, or I will surely die. If you don’t show me my purpose, if you don’t make it happen, you might as well let me die. My heart is sick, I need you to take notice of me, please. Please don’t pass me by. Please take notice of me, Lord. Don’t pass me by. Please show me your favor. Please open the door for me. Please bless me. I don’t deserve it, but please, please, forgive me and bless me, Lord. Please don’t forget me. Please don’t pass me by.

I do want to listen, I want to hear a word from you. But sometimes it’s just proving to be so difficult. I just can’t pray, I can’t talk, I can’t sing. All I can do is cry. Please, don’t let me suffer long. Please fulfill your purpose and your plans for me. Please encourage me. Please grant the desires of my heart. You gave me these desires, you will fulfill it, Lord, and you will glorify your name as you fulfill your promises to me.

Lord, I know that you hear me. I know that you see my tears. I know that you don’t want me to be brokenhearted. Just please help me to lean on you, rest in you, rely on you, trust in you. Help me to seek your face in all of this. I know that you approve of me as your daughter. Help me to please you. Help me Lord to cling to you. I’m finding this so hard to deal with every day. I need you to fulfill your purpose for me. Please.

Thank you for bringing me closer, God. I know that you’re holding me and you just want to hold me longer. Help me to find you in this season of brokenness and waiting and hoping and expecting. Lord, I’m holding onto nothing but your promise. Please fulfill your purpose for me. I want to live out my purpose in life. Please open the door for me to live for you, work for you. I will set aside everything for you because my heart’s desire is to be used by you and to bring you glory in what I do. So please let me do what you called me to do. You won’t keep putting me off, would you? But I know the answer. You are always good and you won’t delay. Send your love, Lord. Send your love to me. I really need you.

I have heard all about you, LORD, and I am filled with awe by the amazing things you have done. In this time of our deep need, begin again to help us, as you did in years gone by. Show us your power to save us. And in your anger, remember your mercy.”  Habakkuk3:2 (NLT)

Do I truly love You more than these?

I think I somehow understand how Peter felt when Jesus asked him three times if he really loved him.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. (John 21:15-17 NIV)

I’m in the middle of a situation right now where it feels a lot like I’m in the hot seat and the love inside of me is being squeezed out and passed through a very fine sieve, so to speak. It is painful, to be honest.

But I would be so happy if my Lord could find even an ounce of pure love in my heart for him. It’s true that he knows all things. He knows that, like gold, such a love could only exist by first testing and purifying it with his means of choice – be it by pruning, disciplining, breaking, taking, etc. So I’m thankful for situations where it’s also proved to me that I really do love God more than anything because that is so important to me. I ought to love God above everything else and that’s what I’m living for every day. Oftentimes it’s not easy for a selfish human being like me, but it can be done (only) by his grace.

Following him is really costly. Keeping a pure heart for him in this world equally asks for much. But I am willing to pay the price if it pleases my Savior. I ought to love him much because I have been forgiven much. I love him that’s why I want to obey him. Although obeying him sometimes means I might have to lose something (e.g. Abraham “losing” Isaac), it is always gained back as a manifold blessing from a very pleased Father.

The One who loved me first deserves, without question, all of my love.

Prayer: Lord, you know I love you. But may I never boast of anything I ever do for you. May I never boast about my so-called sacrifices, no matter what they’ve cost me. The privilege of being your child, the thrill of seeking your face, the joy of worshiping and serving you – among your endless benefits – should always be enough. I will “feed your sheep” and continue to tell others about you and your goodness even when things aren’t going so good. You deserve my heart 100% no matter what season I’m going through. Thank you for you love me and see me through each one. I surrender all to you. I love you!

–Carmina

Shadows In His Light

(Originally written on December 2, 2008)

Some things I’ve learned and love about WORSHIPING GOD:

No matter what I’m going through or dealing with, whether good or bad, WORSHIP promptly brings me to the place where:

God is MOST AWESOME,

I am AWESTRUCK, and;

The world with all its cares is rendered DIMINUTIVE.

Worshiping God reminds me how great and marvelous He is, how weak and sinful I am apart from Him, and how much I need Him in my life. Oh, how I need Him! The more I magnify Him, the more life’s issues become minimized, and the less I worry or feel discouraged.

In worship, my pride, my insecurities, my problems, my wants, my sins become demoted, and God is elevated to His rightful place. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. “All things that surround become shadows” in His light.

In art, shadow adds depth and dimension. Without this element a picture or painting would look flat, lifeless and dull, even boring. But when it is added a subject stands out, a scene becomes lifelike, and a landscape is made more dramatic. As a whole, the entire work of art becomes beautiful and meaningful.

Jesus is the Light of the world. Living a lifestyle of worship turns anxieties and troubles into cast shadows in His light, making God the central focus. Every time we worship even in times of difficulty, a shadow is added to the big painting on the canvas of life. As an effect, we are given an enhanced view of the divine picture – it becomes three-dimensional. A clearer view of His good, pleasing, and perfect will emerges, with God standing out as the main subject. Everything then starts to make sense. Worshiping God adds meaning to life, because we were created for that purpose.

Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth.
-Psalm 96:9

Would you still be amazed….?

Last Sunday the song Amazed by the Desperation Band was sung during the worship service.

The chorus of the song goes,

“Lord I’m amazed by you. Lord, I’m amazed by you. Lord I’m amazed by you; how you love me.”

It’s a simple melody coupled with simple words. But an almost prodding series of questions that occurred to me clearly struck a chord with my soul:

“Would you still be amazed by Me if prayers remained unanswered, and if troubles came? Would you still be amazed by Me in the midst of sickness and trials, in suffering, and in waiting? Would you still be amazed? Would you?”

My answer that moment could only come in the form of a choice.

“Yes, Lord. I choose to be amazed by you no matter what.”

Probably easier said than done, but God is too amazing for words; there is nothing simple about him. So I pray that I will always look to him and be amazed by what he does and all that he is. I pray that I will always be overwhelmed by him alone, and underwhelmed by everything else in this world — whether good or bad. I pray that he give me the grace, the wisdom, and the strength to let go and let God. And be amazed by him always.

Impromptu

I love that your voice is unmistakable. I love that you speak to me. You said it; you’ve heard my prayers and you’ve seen my tears. For that I am thankful, my Lord.

Nothing is certain. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Or even tonight as I sleep. But I know for sure that you have a plan for my life, and you will not withhold the joy that I’m waiting for. I’m looking forward to more of your answers. I’m anticipating the breakthrough that is to come. Oh, what joy that’s going to be! I just know that I will be bursting at the seams! I cannot wait, Lord. I simply cannot wait! You are faithful forever!

God, you know what’s in my heart. You know what I’ve been praying for the last several weeks. You know how much it means to me that you fulfill this dream in my heart. I know that it is a God-given desire; therefore, you will provide everything that is needed for me to live that desire. God, I want my life to be all about you.

I’m losing my whole life
in your purpose and
for your heart’s desire.

I’m running with blinded eyes,
faith as my guide;
let your love take flight.

For you all is put aside,
all for you and I;
Father, it’s you I love.
(Devoted, by Citipointe)

My heart’s desire is to be used by you for your greater glory. Lord, I want so much to serve you, to spend my life worshiping you through everything do. I love you, Lord. I am devoted to you, now and always.

I worship you!

I’m kind of at the edge of my seat right now about something. I’m so very excited about it (insert dancing banana emoticon here). I keep tugging at God’s sleeve to please let me in on more details, to let me see more of the entire picture. But by revealing only so much to me every now and then, he’s being God and letting everything be beautiful in its own time.

Part of me just wants to let it all out, scream it at the top of my lungs, and live happily ever after. I want to come up to someone and just tell it all. I could only imagine what kind of reaction I’d get if I did that. But faith and godly patience teach me otherwise. I have to be quiet, to be still, and know that HE is God. To be childlike in trust, secure that a perfectly good Father would only give the best gift to the apple of his eye (that’s you and me). He IS working quietly but ever so intricately on the most special events and details of my life.

I’m having recurring dreams about something and I am just so thrilled about it. I can’t help but wonder daily what God is up to, and if he’s speaking to others about the same dreams I’m having. I must admit a lot of times I do get frustrated because I feel that my mind is just playing tricks on me. But spending time in his Word turns my thoughts back to him. It encourages me to hold on and never give up so I don’t compromise and forfeit my prize. It reminds me to lean on his wisdom and his ways, and not on my own. I am waiting, and so is my Father, for me to finally receive his precious gift. He’s more excited than I’ll ever be, I’m sure of it!

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

I don’t understand it all. I don’t know it all. Things don’t make sense at the moment. I ask, “When will my prayers come to fruition? When will everything fall into place?” We can rest assured that prayers borne out of pure motives do get heard and will eventually bear fruit. But the question lies on whether the proper time to reap it has arrived and if it’s already ripe for the enjoyment.

The Lord is teaching me to see through the eyes of faith, not with my senses (from Latin sensus, which means to perceive, feel). Not seeing or feeling the signs I’m accustomed to or hoping for doesn’t mean God isn’t working. Neither does it mean that he’s withholding the blessing. He simply knows that there is a proper time for everything and because He’s a wonderful, loving Father, he would never spoil a surprise for me. He strengthens my heart and lets me know that he’s got everything under his sovereign control. He’s not going to forget me. He has surely heard my prayers and he’ll answer me soon enough. The God of the universe, who holds all things together, can be trusted. Fully trusted.

Habakkuk 2:3 (Amplified Bible)
For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day.

I know that my God will never disappoint or delude me. He never sets his children up for failure. He does not stir up the hope in my heart only to quench it. He does not break promises. He is forever faithful. <3

Sign

Less of me, more of you….

I’m tired of being all about me. I want to be all about you, Jesus.

Sure, people know that I am a Christian, but how much of your own heart am I really after?

I don’t want to be religious. I want to be in love, more in love. With you.

There goes another heavy sigh…

Much like Paul, I have this dilemma about knowing what I ought to do and yet I don’t do it… I know what I ought not to do and yet I still do it. What a complete mess both my heart and mind are! Just a total wreck!

But thank God I have my Lord Jesus Christ who helps me in my weakness, my madness, my disabilities and incapabilities. I remain human, but through him I can do extraordinary things. Through him I can be a victorious woman in this mad, mad world. A little messed up (specially during that time of the month), but victorious nonetheless.

I can no longer imagine everyday life without the little victories that God so graciously allows me to have. In the same way, I can no longer imagine life without the little battles for which God strengthens me to win.

Life without battles is boring! It’s true that most battles expose how puny and weak I really am. But every battle for me now means an opportunity to see and be in awe of how strong and mighty my God really is. His strength becomes my strength. Therefore, in him, I become really strong. So strong that I can do crazy things that I would otherwise not be able to do or think of doing on my own. Not bad at all for a puny little human being.